Can Everyone Please Calm Down by Mae Martin – A Review

Can Everyone Please Calm Down by Mae Martin is a comedy book about sexuality in the 21st century.

“Comedian Mae Martin investigates in this hilarious and intelligent guide to 21st century sexuality. Covering everything from the pros and cons of labels, to coming out and the joys of sexual fluidity, Mae ponders all the stuff we get hung up about – and then a bit more.

Mae’s mission is to ensure that in a world that’s full of things to worry about, who we choose to kiss should not be one of them. And when it comes to sexuality, they ask:

CAN EVERYONE PLEASE CALM DOWN?”

Wendy & James

“Homophobia and confusion around sexuality are so far removed from my parents’ world that they thought mosquitoes might be the more pressing social issue.”

I put off reading Can Everyone Just Calm Down, because I had thought it might be a heavy and intense read. I have no idea why I thought that, given that Mae makes their living as a (very funny) comedian. Instead it was a humourous, personal, mildly neurotic journey that made me laugh several times (much like their standup). It’s an exploration of gender, sexuality and Mae’s childhood & development.

The book is dedicated to Mae’s parents James and Wendy, who have always been supportive, inclusive and very relaxed about sexuality. A bit too relaxed, Mae muses at one point. They credit their parents with a solid, loving foundation that has helped them weather prejudice and bullying, and also some really weird sexual metaphors. When Mae started writing the book, their parents were confused; they wondered why anyone would be interested, because of course everyone was on board with sexual fluidity – it was 2018!

The Passion of the Cut Sleeve

“The most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me is spontaneously offer me their last french fry.”

Mae engages in a delightful discussion of historic sexuality, and how different cultures and time periods saw it. It’s astonishing how recent a lot of anti-LGBTQ sentiment is. And how insidious it still is. We never learn about historical figures being LGBTQ in schools, and many fictional portrayals were (are) exaggerated, offensive stereotypes. Mae compares the situation with LGBTQ rights to feminism on several occasions, and they’re right on several levels. Certain people will still insist that women belong and have always been in the home, when historically, women have always worked. Likewise, LGBTQ sexuality isn’t new.

We’re all familiar with the idea that Roman emperors had male lovers; less of us (including me) perhaps know that homosexuality was common and unremarkable in ancient China. There were romantic stories of their love affairs; the story of Emperor Ai and Dong Xian is legendary, and the latter’s downfall was a matter of politics, not homophobia. Sappho wrote romantic poetry to women. Alexander the Great extinguished the temple’s sacred flame for his great love, and petitioned for him to obtain divinity.

The gap between primary sources, which often acknowledged these relationships, and modern historians / educational texts, which exclude or euphemise them, is comical. It has become a joke to mock historians who will find a same sex couple who shared a dwelling, burial plot and life and will still insist that they must have been ‘great friends’.

It’s a funny and heartwarming section, and i’d be happy to read a whole book on LGBTQ history by Mae!

In the End

“I am sorry more strength may be required of you than other people, in order to withstand the creeping tendrils of self doubt or shame that hearing these bigots can cause, but I know you have that strength.”

The book delved into Mae’s personal history with gender and sexuality, and the scientific approach. The obsession with finding out why people are gay, the issues with ‘born this way’ activism, spectrum theory and the persistence of bi erasure.

There were some parts I disagreed with – for example, they find Jafar very attractive (fair) but not Tom Hiddleston (wtf!?!). (I’m joking, obviously, but remember actually feeling a bit surprised). It’s also a primer, aimed at people who don’t know that much about gender or sexuality, so people more well versed might find it a bit basic.

I was personally confused by the age rating, as I didn’t see anything that particularly warranted a 14+. There are accurate, non prurient names of sex acts and a few homophobic slurs, not represented positively. But of course, that’s up to parents / readers to decide!

Full disclosure, I don’t agree with age ratings for books. It’s a practice that was opposed by both librarians and authors (including the late, great Terry Pratchett), and I agree with their reasons. The age ratings are also pretty arbitrary; I enjoyed The Secret Garden as a kid, but that book having an age 7 rating is insane.

Overall, I would heartily recommend this book, it’s fun, accessible and fans of Mae Martin will love it.